It comes down to compatibility

Dear IronGoddess,

Am I guilty of discrimination? I tend to think of myself as a open-minded child-of-the-planet but I think I may have committed an act of discrimination.

I met N on one of those online dating websites. He was so cute and sweet. We quickly moved from email to msging to the phone. We had tons in common, I thought he was my soulmate.

I drove to his place in the city (a girl can never be too careful these days) and he drove from there. We went out for Shabu Shabu and then took a drive. He had me with his old-school Porsche and his Nine Inch Nails cd. I felt such an intense connection with him.

We went back to his place so I could pick up my car and he invited me in for a drink. We curled up on the couch with our glasses of wine and talked into the night. Before I knew it, the clock was reading 4am. Although I wanted to stay, I felt it was better that I go.

He seemed to get agitated that I was leaving. He said that he felt that we were meant to be together but that he had one thing to confess. He took me by the hand, led me into his bedroom and sat me down on the bed. He opened his bedside table and pulled out three DVDs. They were porn, ponyboy porn. He said he was the one in the harness.

I never called him back. I just couldn't imagine bringing him to a family gathering. I mean, yes, he was in a mask but what if someone recognised him from his other, er, attributes. Did I discriminate against him?

Signed,
Concerned and confused

**************************

Dear C&C,

Sometimes we just have to say, "Sorry, that ain't my cup of tea," and leave it at that. Doesn't mean that you've discriminated against him, you're just not into the same thing he is, and that's A-OK.

I used to have a boyfriend who'd tell me often in frustration, "You're too nice, you're too nice!" I never understood this until I fell upon the following online account of his relationship with his new girlfriend:

Her:

"I flogged him, choked him, spanked him, bound him up, caned him and tortured his balls. I discovered an intense sadistic side of myself ... It was truly music to my ears to hear him scream out in anguished pain. And his red teary eyes looking back at me as if to say .... I am yours."

Him:

"Well, it looks like the bar has been raised a few notches. The current caning lashes are up to 290. In addition to mass flogging, paddleing (24" wood double handed windups), hard hand slapping, torchering the mass welts with prodding. And finishing off the final ten blows with a 1/2" thick heavy plastic rod. Can you say Challenge? Yes the bar has been raised dramaticlly."

THAT'S IT! I finally realised I had never BEAT him! Perhaps we would have still been together had I explored my latent dominatrix side and whupped him silly ... er, correction ... whupped him almost lifeless (yes, that's much more sadistic than "silly"). But life wouldn't have it that way. I am the way I am, and he is the way he is. Anyway, I think the two are very happy together and who can criticize that?

It all comes down to compatibility, respect and acceptance. What are your limits and what are you willing to put up with? What are things you'd like to share about life? What are your needs? What can you give to your partner or contribute to the relationship? Some people like to build upon similar interests and goals. Others enjoy the differences they discover in someone who is their opposite.

Heck, I hate organ meats; you'll never catch me eating liver paté, sweetbread or haggis. Others hate vegetables and tofu but I could live on that stuff! But are dissimilar tastes enough to doom a relationship?

No. But he might have to cook for himself ...

Warm regards,
The Irongoddess

Your brother is wrong

Dear Irongoddess,

I've recently had some financial hardship and went to ask my brother, who's a partner in a successful and well-recognized law firm, for some advice. Yeah, I know that I don't have the best paying job in the world, and it's all wrong for my skill set and not even something that I like to do, but why does he always have to end up making me feel like crap and totally worthless?

He had only one word of advice. It was to drop my volunteer work 'cause it was wasting my time and my energy and that I should be looking for paying work instead. I've been helping out with autistic people of all ages since I was a teenager at a facility where our mum used to work. I do all sorts of activities with them, even accompany them on their field trips, and I've helped so many of them who are highly functional get ready to live on their own once they became old enough.

I don't want to give this up since it's dear to my heart but my bother has a point, and he has helped me out financially a few times. Why can't I just be successful like him?

- Isabelle from Winnipeg


Dear Isabelle,

Why should you care so much what your brother thinks? Does he help you out financially because he loves you or does he expect you to obey him? Is there a particular reason why you should be more like him or strive towards the same things?

I personally think your brother is way off base with his "advice". With your volunteer work, you are doing what you love to do. It is extremely rewarding since you are helping to make a difference in people's lives. And this is because YOU CARE. I am sure all this good work you do makes you feel great. Why let that feeling go? There are lots of people who work and also do volunteer work. I'm one of them.

You don't have to be the same person as your brother and want and need the same things. And you certainly don't have to feel intimidated by the huge shadow his success casts. Do yourself a favour, sweetheart, and realise that the sun has always shined on you. Now learn to bask in its warmth. You've always just been too busy looking at your brother's shadow to notice the light.

At the end of the day, you must ask yourself, "If I died, would I regret my life?" It's not money that matters when you die ...

Success versus significance. Are you the best in the world or the best FOR the world? It is up to you to decide which one means more to you.

Love and light,
The Irongoddess