24 hours on Lavalife

Every so often, about once a year, I get the penchant to go check out available singles on Lavalife, a well-known online dating service. Why? Albeit my cynicism, I do know of three marriages that have resulted directly from online dating so I guess, don't knock it until you try it, you know ...

Perhaps I no longer possess the patience to sift through potential mates or perhaps I've just reached that age where I've realised, "I'd like to have a man in my life, but I don't NEED a man in my life ..."

I know exactly what I want and what I will not put up with ... and I think I make it quite clear in the start of my profile, what do you think?

PROFILE NAME
"If you instant message me, I will block you"

* ABSOLUTELY NO INSTANT MESSAGING *

If you think I will make an exception for you and instant message you back, you're wrong. I will simply block you. Why? Because you couldn't even read or respect the first sentence of my profile. Relationships are not just about looks so don't contact me based entirely on my photo.

"Wow, you're harsh," you might say but I don't really care what you think. I'm just being frank and honest. Why settle for superficial chit chat from guys who only want the thrill of a quick connection? Maybe this quick sizzle can be exciting for a brief moment but honestly, I much rather prefer a slow burn that mounts into a raging fire that can't be put out ...

And then the rest of my profile is just as straight-forward, including:

"I can do girly-girl and sexy but have no problem being covered with sweat and grime after cycling 100k or running a marathon. "

and

Being able to start sentences with CAPS as well as punctuate and spell properly gets you bonus points. Just please have a photo and be PHYSICALLY FIT ... no double chins and no man-b**bs.

Here are some Instant Messages I received (with original spelling and punctuation) all from different men:

• u look lovely
• 2 things i like abt woman. 1 is they look nice with long hair
• please block me...:)
• hi hwoa re u
• nice face
• hellooo, very nice photo
• hi, where is the party tonight? lol :)
• Nice Eyes, do u have a name? ;)
• oreto_98@hotmail.com
• baby
• sure u don't respond to IMs?
• tough attitude eh!!'
• u look stunning
• you are much too blunt and arrogant

Yes, I think I should date all these men, especially since they've all ignored my blatant "Don't IM me" warning at the top of my profile. And by the amount of one-liners that are look-based, obviously, the phrase "so don't contact me based entirely on my photo" means nothing either.

Can't these men read?

BLOCK!!

Wait, it gets better folks.

Here are some e-mails I received:

subject
hi
message
you are a very sexy lady and i would love to know more about you. you have definitely stimulated my imagination;-)

---------------------------------------------------------------
subject
(no subject)
message
Please, you should rent a friend from Hertz. Made to measure. Sad profile. You seem like an intelligent women. What are you so fearful of? Take life as it comes. Block me if you may, but I have not intention to write again. I just could not help myself but to react to you sad profile.

Michael.

Note: I wrote Michael back and sent him hugs and of course he wrote me back telling me that I don't need to use a "false profile" to screen out dead wood. Michael, I mean every word that's in my profile, especially the harsh ones, nothing fake about my profile or about me. Sorry you prefer to have a more angelic image of me ...

---------------------------------------------------------------
Here's my favourite:

subject
(no subject)
message
Please block me y do men call women bitches you are perfact example i feel sorry for you

Note: Obviously, this last winner hasn't read Lavalife's Code of Ethics which include the following two phrases:

I will treat fellow Lavalife members with dignity and respect
I will not engage in any form of harassment or abusive behaviour

Oh, lookie dat ... a cool little icon just below his wonderful letter with some useful words written on it:

REPORT MEMBER

The Facebook Break-Up

On the popular social networking platform Facebook, we can indicate "relationship status" and have several choices:

Single
In a relationship
Engaged
Married
It's complicated
In an open relationship

Changes of relationship status are indicated by whole or broken hearts and listed on the "mini-feed". Do these status updates and red hearts mean anything? And what does the Facebook public think about these?

I was recently engaged to Nestor D. Dinosaur and received an e-mail via Facebook congratulating me on said event, though my friend also asked if this could be a joke (because of the name). No ... no joke ... but I'm surprised my friend's excitement didn't cause her to click on the link to see the handsome red and green face of my future husband.

Nestor and I have since parted ways amicably, but I see that he is not quite yet over me, as he is still listed as "Engaged". (Nestor: That's alright ... I will ALWAYS love you ...)

I have a friend who recently listed himself as married ... to his own brother. I wonder if anyone noticed that one? I've also seen this same friend engaged, married, and broken up all in the same day.

Another friend, totally enthralled with her new relationship, happily decided to announce their "love" through Facebook ... This new couple then listed themselves as "In a relationship" until one day, after a particular lover's spat, she discovered he'd changed his relationship status and in fact, no longer even had one.

Boyfriend: "Yes, we're still dating but I don't want certain people on Facebook to know."

Hmm, interesting ... Not comfortable with this new turn of events and his recent treatment of her, she called me up for some "girl talk".

Irongoddess: But have you talked to him about how you feel?

Girlfriend: No, he's been avoiding me and I'm sick of it. I've given him lots of time and space to be in his cave and I don't want to be here when he comes out. Look at my Facebook status.

"SINGLE"

Irongoddess: "Oh my gosh, does he know?"

Girlfriend: "No, I can't be bothered having THE TALK."

Bing! And there you have it, folks, the Facebook Break-Up!

Personally, I'd love to be in a relationship with Bamsen Bacchus, a super cute Swedish bear. Recently, I saw him listed as "In an open relationship". I wondered if Facebook would allow more than one linking to those in an open relationship and thought about asking him out, but dang, Bamsen's status recently changed to "It's complicated".

Sigh ... I guess Bamsen and I are not yet meant to be ... but I'll keep watching my Facebook and hope that one day I'll see a broken little red heart in my news with the words:

"Bamsen Bacchus is no longer in a relationship."

The Parking Goddess

I've always been quite lucky with parking. I don't know why. I just am ... and I've never questioned it. I hear friends complaining about not finding parking all the time but I've rarely ever felt frustrated about not being able to find a prime parking spot.

Only on the odd occasion have I had to circle around looking for that "non-existant" parking spot to which my friends often allude. Most of the time though, I find parking right in front of where I need to be, or the first place I try.

The Parking Goddess and I have a close relationship and I have always felt she was on my side. And I know she's not a figment of my imagination either as I Googled her and this is what she looks like:

Pretty isn't she? And she's my friend ...