He just ain't worth the heartache, babe!

Dear Irongoddess,

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. Like we didn't date that long or anything, just a few months, but I was so in love with him. I mean REALLY in love with him like I've never been with anyone else! Now I'm so sad and I cry everyday. I really miss him, and all the things we used to do together. I've been reading up about relationships and wish I could figure out a way to get him back ... Please tell me what to do!

Sincerely,
Katie from OH

*******************************************************

Dear Katie,

For sure you're gonna hurt from the breakup. It's not just about the heartache caused from love lost but also from FUTURE love lost ... it's from an investment into dreams or a potential future together.

You don't mention in your letter any details with regards to your break-up so I'll just conclude for sake of ease that the relationship wasn't working for either of you (otherwise, you'd still be together, right?)

I'm sorry to hear that you still feel sad and wish I could wipe away your tears, but you must now stop and ask yourself how do you REALLY feel instead of how do you THINK you feel?

If he broke up because he wasn't in love with him, is it worth pining away for someone who doesn't love you with all his heart? You're WAY more special than that, girlfriend. It's simple, you should never have to convince a man to love you.

And if you were the one to break it up since you didn't like how he was treating you, well kudos to you! Breaking up while still loving someone is very difficult to do, but you did the right thing ... you must love YOURSELF first!

We teach others how we need and want to be treated ... What part of him do you want back? Just the parts that made you feel good? That made you laugh or feel special? What about all the icky parts of him that made you feel unloved and sad and not very special to him? Being with him means being with ALL PARTS of him. Would you be ready to put up with that for the rest of your life?

I think you need to examine whether you are still in love with him, or perhaps you just miss the fun things about being with him. Do you miss all the times when you felt lousy as well? It's like being a drug addict ... is a short quick high worth all that horrible down period? Perhaps you don't even miss HIM, you just miss having a fun, loving relationship.

Ask yourself, were you really in love with the Present Him (which includes all his faults) or the Potential Him (the one who would change since he loved you so much)? He is who he is, sweetie, and you will never be able change him. Only he can do that, and only for his own reasons.

I say, move on, take the time to spoil yourself. You have so much love to give, and now it's time to LOVE YOURSELF!

Don't feel ashamed to be selfish with your love, especially while you're healing ... do things that make you happy, whatever they may be! Seeing friends, going to shows, working out, shopping, meeting new men, whatever makes you feel good. Soon enough the days will pass, your heart will heal, and you will realise more and more how unhappy you felt while dating your ex, and how much he wasn't right for you. He'll even slip out of your mind completely, but by that time, you won't even notice!

Just remind yourself that everything in life happens for a reason, and that you can't have room in your heart for Mr. Right if you're still hanging on to Mr. Wrong. Don't worry, he WILL come along ;-)

Cheers,
The Irongoddess

p.s. Here's a great little video ... be strong, and LOVE YOURSELF!

48 hours on Craigslist: The Results, Part II

First of all, my apologies for the tardiness of the results to my nifty social experiment ... been taking advantage of summer, that is, inbetween all the rain.

Alright ... in June, I posted "48 hours on Craigslist" where I placed two ads on Craigslist, one asking for a "forever-and-ever" type of relationship, the other asking for raunchy NSA sex (that's "no-strings-attached", folks). In my previous post, I delivered my findings on the second ad ... now it's time to examine the results to the first one:

Looking for Mr. Right - w4m - 33

Young professional ready to settle down and concentrate on the bigger picture. Would definitely love to start a family. I've devoted most of my 20's to studying and my career, putting my love life on hold. Now I'm ready to explore and discover what's out there!

I like candle-lit suppers, long walks in nature, and relaxed Sunday mornings with coffee and a good book. Though people might describe me as shy and reserved, I'm actually quite adventurous with the right person if I feel comfortable enough. I'm not super into fitness but do enjoy cycling and rollerblading from time to time and try to live a healthy lifestyle, though I do like nice wines.

Hoping you are out there somewhere, waiting for me, to start a caring, loving relationship based on honesty, respect and true intimacy ... xo

While composing this ad, I tried to write from the point of view of an intelligent, sweet, not-too-experienced girl ... someone a little shy and unpresuming but had direction and wouldn't intimidate most men with her interests or activities. I tried to list common things that most people would like, making her blend easily into or compliment most lifestyles.

Basically, I tried to make her as "vanilla" as possible without making her appear too boring.

The only element that I added to throw a guy off was her strong desire to find that "knight in shining armour", settle down and have kids, something which gives most men who just want to have a "good time" the heebie-jeebies.

Surprisingly, I received 21 letters, two within the first hour of posting on Craigslist! Are there really this many men out there who are looking for a meaningful relationship?

Could the ratio of men who want Commitment vs. Casual Sex really be as high as 1:5?
*Based on the responses received by both Craigslist postings

Here are the stats:

• Of the 61.9% that stated their age, the average was 33.9, the youngest being 25, and the oldest being 52 (I'm listed in my ad as 33.)
• 47.6% of the letters contained spelling or grammatical errors
• 14.3% of the respondents sent pics ... yes, of their faces, no body shots (a total of three men)

Mind you, taking a closer look at the emails received, I quickly realised that the majority of the men who responded were not actually interested in a relationship. They were looking for an audience or an admirer ... as I surmised from the almost total lack of interest in what I'd written in my Craigslist ad.

Many of the emails were evidently form letters, monologues about these men, who they were and what they wanted. Only a few made even a single comment about what they found interesting about my CL post which was that they too had left relationships on the backburner for too long.

Shortest email to try to woo me ... I almost fainted when I realised I'd found my soulmate at last! :

hi
whats your stats
professional 30m asian

Then of course, my heart skipped a beat when I read this gentlemen's email:

"I am the one you are looking"

Hello! I am a Professional black man looking for a female who loves to kiss , make love , love to get oral sex ,do fun things together and be in business together, maybe have a family and someone who I can trust ,preferably, for fun and cool conversation ...

Maybe he is "The One?" Like, what woman doesn't like to receive oral sex? JACKPOT!

Well, if I decide that he is not The One, then surely one of the other eight women he group emailed would think so. And if they don't think so, then maybe some other woman on Craigslist would think so. This man gets credit for his efficiency ... he sent out his CL ad verbatim as his love letter. Like, why fiddle with perfection?

Of course though, if I wanted to satisfy both my "carnal sexual hedonistic" AND "sweet innocent commitment-seeking" sides, I could always go for this guy, who wrote back to both of my CL ads:

Hi there!
I am D***. I am 25 and live in montreal. So you are horny. Can you keep it longer enough. Like all night. Are you sexualy strong enough. If you are i am up for it. write me back. if you are interested. Take care have fun. BYE

HI there!
I am D*** from Montreal. I am 25 years old. My height is 5,6 INC. My weight is 145POUNDS. I work in au auto garage 5 days a week and have weekend off. My hobbies are going on a long walk, music, movies, swimming, walking, and playing soccer. I go to GYM time to time. I love to laugh and make other people laugh. I am very talkative person. Thats all about me. If there is anything you would like to know about me just ask me. I would be more happy to answer your question. Thanks for reading my email. You have a wonderful day. Take care BYE

Well, maybe not ... that second letter seems a little monologuish and doesn't even show me that he's even read my ad ... (don't make the same mistake with internet dating, fellas!)

But I did receive one particularly interesting letter and was actually quite impressed with it ... I'm not at liberty to disclose the entire letter, but let's just say that he ended one fun paragraph with:

So it seems within the last 24h (or next 2) pretty did all the things you enjoyed based on your description!!!

Wow ... I had to meet him!

I wrote to him and explained that I was doing a social experiment ... would he consent to an interview? Stayed tuned for the next post as the Irongoddess interviews Mr. Maybe.

Craigslist - Men Seeking Women

Craigslist.org personal ads provide hilarious reading material and great fodder for conversation.

A good lot of men who post seem to live at the bottom of a cesspool, what with their hungry cries for libidinous, hedonistic, no-strings sex. Makes me wonder if and what sort of woman actually responds ...

What ever happened to the romantic date?

Interestingly enough, a friend of mine said something quite funny to me the other day, "Men never know when they're gonna get sex. Women ALWAYS know."

So true, so true ... Can't blame these horny men for their honesty at least. They're just putting their desires out to the Universe ... Here's a selection from today's personal ads:

GL Middle Eastern Guy for a friend with benefits (FWB) - 22
anybody wants to have some extra benefits - 27
Looking for a fuck buddy, I know you're out there - 22
Are you looking to be pleased orally? - 48
Dessert Date Followed by Carnal Pleasure - 30
Bad boy seeks bad girl - 45
Big, Black, Best Fuck of your Life - 29
Submissive/SEXY secreatary/AssiSTANT? - 42
Very Big - 37

Well, not for me ... but to each his own.

But if I was really short on cash, Craigslist would be THE PLACE to go for a "quick fling, no professionals please" or to meet a sweet sugardaddy (all ages available, wow!!) ... or if I really really REALLY wanted to get the inside scoop on sexual technique, I could write to this catch of a fella:

Romantic Touch and Massage for Girls - 52

Learn how to touch and make a man happy ... and enjoy sensual touching and massage by an experienced masseur. This service is available for girls and women 18 years of age and older ... to 30's ... to 40's ... to 50 +

Your teacher is a professional, sensitive, trained, flexible, educated, Caucasian male who is 6-feet tall, 205 lbs, reasonably fit and very clean. Please let me know what you wish to learn and experience.


Winner by far, the award for BEST PERSONAL AD goes to this wonderful gentleman:

An old man but has a young soul looking for his princess - 82

Hello ladies.

82 years old man looking for his soul mate. I can still dance, jump, and even run (though I have to wear my big loose underwear) I don't have much real teeth left but I have a bridge with all set of teeth and trust me my bite hurts. In case anyone ever thought of coming our way, I'll defend you will my teeth and cane. I'm even good in bed since I started my first dose of Viagra and I could take you out for walks. I'm warning you though, I'll have to rest for 10 minutes after each 5 minutes walk. That is what the doctor told me. My heart is not at its best these days, I wonder why!!

Send me a 250% zoom in image of yourself, because I lost my glasses and I need to see how you look like. Failing to do so, might not get you a respond. I don't have much hair left on my head, just a couple white ones. However, I have a chest and a back full of hair and they are all yours.

It might take me a while to respond due to the high amount of emails I'll be getting. If you have a grandfather, it is extra points. I could play chess with him. I hope he is friendly.

The reality of Google

Ever wonder whatever happened to that best friend you had in high school? Well, I recently found her via Google. Yay! Still looking for other good friends with whom I've lost touch, but will keep typing their names from time to time into that wonderful little Google search bar.

For the curious or the procrastinator, Google is a Godsend ... what ever happened to so-and-so? We can waste hours playing this game ... instant updates on moments of their lives.

When it comes to dating, it's always interesting to know more about your "date" than he/she may let on. But one thing for sure, if you're using this search tool, DO NOT let your date know ... feign ignorance, as if you've never read these things about him/her. I remember a certain date possibility talking to me over the phone before we had our first coffee together and he knew TOO MUCH about me ... Yuck! One of those horrible stalker moments that most people never want to experience.

Then of course, there are those who lie about who they are, and of course, being the internet saavy geek that I am, of course, I find out. Gotcha! Athletes who tell me they've ran certain races ... all fine and dandy until I find out yes, he's raced, but no, it was two age categories higher! How about the doctor who must have graduated from his specialty when he was only 17, according to his posted online profile? I always thought Doogie Howser, MD, was a fictional television character. Boy, that man's got smarts!

But then there are those that you can't find anywhere on Google ... so, what does that mean? Is this guy too vanilla for me, too much of a plain Joe-type?

What do you think, folks ... Is internet notoriety a good or bad thing?

Boggled by the complexity

Taken from the internet:

Men do not necessarily want a committed relationship as a result of mind blowing sex – they are wired differently than women. In her book The Female Brain, neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine cites:

“Males have double the brain space and processing power devoted to sex as women … Just as women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion while men have a small country road, men have O'Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex whereas women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes.”

This means men are driven to have sex whether it means something or not. On the other hand, when women have sex, they generally want it to mean something ...



Interesting point ... and very true. Makes me wonder about commitment and what this word means to an individual. What is your definition of this?

For some, it scares the heebie-jeebies out of them and makes them balk. For others, it is a prerequisite to sex and being vulnerable. What is this game we play of near-and-far? Push-and-pull? Logically, I can understand it, men and women ARE different ... and many self-help dating books cover this "chase". But emotionally, what's it all about? I've never quite been able to wrap my heart around it ...

What ever happened to simplicity?

"I like you. You like me. Let's agree to be open and respectful and to spend some time together ... see where it goes."

When did dating and relationships get so difficult? Sigh ...