Monday, June 21, 2010

He just ain't worth the heartache, babe!

Dear Irongoddess,

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. Like we didn't date that long or anything, just a few months, but I was so in love with him. I mean REALLY in love with him like I've never been with anyone else! Now I'm so sad and I cry everyday. I really miss him, and all the things we used to do together. I've been reading up about relationships and wish I could figure out a way to get him back ... Please tell me what to do!

Katie from OH


Dear Katie,

For sure you're gonna hurt from the breakup. It's not just about the heartache caused from love lost but also from FUTURE love lost ... it's from an investment into dreams or a potential future together.

You don't mention in your letter any details with regards to your break-up so I'll just conclude for sake of ease that the relationship wasn't working for either of you (otherwise, you'd still be together, right?)

I'm sorry to hear that you still feel sad and wish I could wipe away your tears, but you must now stop and ask yourself how do you REALLY feel instead of how do you THINK you feel?

If he broke up because he wasn't in love with him, is it worth pining away for someone who doesn't love you with all his heart? You're WAY more special than that, girlfriend. It's simple, you should never have to convince a man to love you.

And if you were the one to break it up since you didn't like how he was treating you, well kudos to you! Breaking up while still loving someone is very difficult to do, but you did the right thing ... you must love YOURSELF first!

We teach others how we need and want to be treated ... What part of him do you want back? Just the parts that made you feel good? That made you laugh or feel special? What about all the icky parts of him that made you feel unloved and sad and not very special to him? Being with him means being with ALL PARTS of him. Would you be ready to put up with that for the rest of your life?

I think you need to examine whether you are still in love with him, or perhaps you just miss the fun things about being with him. Do you miss all the times when you felt lousy as well? It's like being a drug addict ... is a short quick high worth all that horrible down period? Perhaps you don't even miss HIM, you just miss having a fun, loving relationship.

Ask yourself, were you really in love with the Present Him (which includes all his faults) or the Potential Him (the one who would change since he loved you so much)? He is who he is, sweetie, and you will never be able change him. Only he can do that, and only for his own reasons.

I say, move on, take the time to spoil yourself. You have so much love to give, and now it's time to LOVE YOURSELF!

Don't feel ashamed to be selfish with your love, especially while you're healing ... do things that make you happy, whatever they may be! Seeing friends, going to shows, working out, shopping, meeting new men, whatever makes you feel good. Soon enough the days will pass, your heart will heal, and you will realise more and more how unhappy you felt while dating your ex, and how much he wasn't right for you. He'll even slip out of your mind completely, but by that time, you won't even notice!

Just remind yourself that everything in life happens for a reason, and that you can't have room in your heart for Mr. Right if you're still hanging on to Mr. Wrong. Don't worry, he WILL come along ;-)

The Irongoddess

p.s. Here's a great little video ... be strong, and LOVE YOURSELF!

"If you lose your way, I will help you find it."