Every so often, about once a year, I get the penchant to go check out available singles on Lavalife, a well-known online dating service. Why? Albeit my cynicism, I do know of three marriages that have resulted directly from online dating so I guess, don't knock it until you try it, you know ...
Perhaps I no longer possess the patience to sift through potential mates or perhaps I've just reached that age where I've realised, "I'd like to have a man in my life, but I don't NEED a man in my life ..."
I know exactly what I want and what I will not put up with ... and I think I make it quite clear in the start of my profile, what do you think?
PROFILE NAME
"If you instant message me, I will block you"
* ABSOLUTELY NO INSTANT MESSAGING *
If you think I will make an exception for you and instant message you back, you're wrong. I will simply block you. Why? Because you couldn't even read or respect the first sentence of my profile. Relationships are not just about looks so don't contact me based entirely on my photo.
"Wow, you're harsh," you might say but I don't really care what you think. I'm just being frank and honest. Why settle for superficial chit chat from guys who only want the thrill of a quick connection? Maybe this quick sizzle can be exciting for a brief moment but honestly, I much rather prefer a slow burn that mounts into a raging fire that can't be put out ...
And then the rest of my profile is just as straight-forward, including:
"I can do girly-girl and sexy but have no problem being covered with sweat and grime after cycling 100k or running a marathon. "
and
Being able to start sentences with CAPS as well as punctuate and spell properly gets you bonus points. Just please have a photo and be PHYSICALLY FIT ... no double chins and no man-b**bs.
Here are some Instant Messages I received (with original spelling and punctuation) all from different men:
- u look lovely
- 2 things i like abt woman. 1 is they look nice with long hair
- please block me...:)
- hi hwoa re u
- nice face
- hellooo, very nice photo
- hi, where is the party tonight? lol :)
- Nice Eyes, do u have a name? ;)
- oreto_98@hotmail.com
- baby
- sure u don't respond to IMs?
- tough attitude eh!!'
- u look stunning
- you are much too blunt and arrogant
Can't these men read?
BLOCK!!
Wait, it gets better folks.
Here are some e-mails I received:
subject
hi
message
you are a very sexy lady and i would love to know more about you. you have definitely stimulated my imagination;-)
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subject
(no subject)
message
Please, you should rent a friend from Hertz. Made to measure. Sad profile. You seem like an intelligent women. What are you so fearful of? Take life as it comes. Block me if you may, but I have not intention to write again. I just could not help myself but to react to you sad profile.
Michael.
Note: I wrote Michael back and sent him hugs and of course he wrote me back telling me that I don't need to use a "false profile" to screen out dead wood. Michael, I mean every word that's in my profile, especially the harsh ones, nothing fake about my profile or about me. Sorry you prefer to have a more angelic image of me ...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Here's my favourite:
subject
(no subject)
message
Please block me y do men call women bitches you are perfact example i feel sorry for you
Note: Obviously, this last winner hasn't read Lavalife's Code of Ethics which include the following two phrases:
I will treat fellow Lavalife members with dignity and respect
I will not engage in any form of harassment or abusive behaviour
Oh, lookie dat ... a cool little icon just below his wonderful letter with some useful words written on it:
REPORT MEMBER
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